“As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list of society offenders who might well be underground, and who never would be missed” wrote Sir. W.S. Gilbert and sings the Lord High Executioner.
I don’t advocate actually executing anyone, well that Nisi Prius nuisance maybe, but I do believe that it’s time to ditch all of our current celebrities and bring in new ones. Come now, do we really have any further use for Bryant Gumbel? Now that Disney, a la ABC, is the largest entertainment company in the world, it has the power to do this bit of good for all of us. Fire them!
First to go can be Madonna—don’t need her—send her home. Julia Roberts? Tired of her. Frankly I’m tired of wondering whatever happened after Mystic Pizza. Also, someone please tell Mariah Carey that we just don’t care and to go away.
Kevin Costner has outlived his usefulness. Fandango, Dances With Wolves—fine, but he should have been shown the door minutes after The Bodyguard. And, pitch Whitney Houston too, as a warning to others.
Jay Leno, Arnold, call your moms, its time to go home. Oops, sorry Dan Rather, we fired the wrong co-anchor. Richard Gere, you’ve had two too many chances and we can’t bear to give you a third.
Can anyone give me a reason why Roseanne hasn’t been abandoned at sea? Is there anyone who doesn’t get depressed just hearing her name? Is she not the foulest? I can’t think of anything more horrific than spending any period of time in her presence so get her off TV, the newspapers and the radio.
As a matter of fact let’s make Sharon Stone’s exile be under Roseanne’s full attention. Sharon deserves that hell after that cancer nonsense—and face it she’s not that to die for gorgeous.
Jodie Foster hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong but I’m just sick of hearing her name. Same goes for Geena Davis, Martin Short, Denzel Washington and Kathleen Turner. Unfortunately, we can’t dump Cindy Crawford because one day her modeling, advertising, fitness, movie, etc. empire will most likely own Disney itself. We’ll need her on our side.
Let’s replace them with an entirely new set of celebrities and put them on some type of master payroll. This way we can hire, fire, and silence them at will. Minor offenders like Hugh Grand and those celebrity chefs can be demoted to dishwasher and work their way back up.
If we don’t do something about this soon we’ll have too many. They won’t just die; look at Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. We’ll be overrun. Forced retirement is what I say—all of them.
Yes, even Tom hanks. No one wants it said aloud bit I will say it anyway; he has been unbearable since he became an “actor.” Give him notice.
Oh, you thought I forgot about Mike Tyson. Didn’t you? Well, the best thing we can all do for this planet is whenever you see his image or hear his name, say quietly , but aloud, “Mike Tyson, America’s favorite rapist.”
We still have hope.